Steamed Toyboy Tony Lights Fire Under "Love Teacher" Eva Longoria's Butt! Ring-Around-the-Ring-Road! Oo-la-la...Brad Pitt Buddies Up to Paris Papparazzi! Sleazy Journos Steal Walker's Star Jones' Boob-Job Horror Scoop! (The Bastards!) Is it sunspots? Did Hollywood get a batch of bad dope? Suddenly, there's been a raging epidemic of Hoof-and-Mouth Disease -- stars stupidly inserting feet in mouth and biting down HARD! My Favorite Alien Tom Cruise muscled Comedy Central parent company Viacom into canceling the now-notorious "Tom In The Closet" episode that mocks Scientology by threatening to back off promoting Mission Impossible 3 for Paramount, which is...AHA!...also owned by Viacom. But in the end, Interplanetary CruiseControl failed! Earth is still safe...for now! Teri Hatcher bravely revealed her childhood sexual abuse to Vanity Fair -- but, rather weirdly, posed like a hot sexpot on the cover! Arrogant ex-womanizer Michael Douglas sneered at Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie"s "orphans" -- those cute Third World kids Maddox and Zahara, who are legally Brad and Angie's children. And...after saying she's the "love teacher" during couchez-vous rendezvous with French-raised NBA toyboy Tony Parker, 23, Eva Longoria, 31, back-pedals on the kiss-ass TV celeb shows because Tony blew his stack -- knowing he'll be ribbed mercilessly by his San Antonio Spurs teammates. Plus, a note to Walker's press colleagues:...KEEP YOUR SLIMY HANDS OFF MY SCOOPS!!

Earth to Shallow Ex-Womanizer Michael Douglas: SHUT UP! Earth to Shallow Star-Bimbos: Real Men (like Nick Lachey & Brad Pitt) Want Babies! Earth to Interplanetary Cruise Control: Hey, Tom... Are You Buying Wacko Jacko's Neverland? George Michael Nabbed with "Gimp Mask!" "South Park" Chef: "Liar, Liar, Pants-On-Fire!"

This Week: Teri Hatcher - Revealing Childhood Sexual Abuse... While Looking Sexy on the Cover of Vanity Fair? Jon Stewart - What Are His Oscar Bosses Whispering? Star Jones Freaks Out Over "Down Low" Hints About Hubby! In the up-close-and-personal style that's made him a TV and radio favorite - he's played "The Gossip Game" for 10 years on Howard Stern's show - Enquirer columnist Mike Walker says Hollywood's buzzing about the strange timing of Teri Hatcher's childhood sexual abuse revelations - which broke just as her new book hit the stands. And Star Jones - who's publicizing her new book - hangs up on a reporter who hints about rumors that Hubby's on "the down low." Also: Will Jon Stewart be back for Oscar? And a Tom Cruise-clone batters his Viagra-charged manhood with a bottle in Scary Movie 4's parody of the Oprah couch-jumping incident!

This Week: Paris Hilton = "Vulture!" Inside Scoop on Oscar Goodie-Bag Scandals! Tom Cruise: "My Favorite Alien" Wanted by The FBI? In the up-close-and-personal style that's made him a TV and radio favorite - he's played "The Gossip Game" for 10 years on Howard Stern's show - Enquirer columnist Mike Walker delivers hard-hitting 411 on the grubby, greedy Hiltons who make a mockery of Grand Old Hollywood tradition! Also, Mike's shocking update to last week's "Pellicano Brief" - revealing that scary fallout he predicted from the upcoming trial of convicted hood/private eye to the stars Anthony Pellicano has already begun: The FBI wants to interview superstar Tom Cruise - and his high-powered Hollywood lawyer.